The old tram

I’ve taken up the 1000 word challenge, here is my attempt below. I’ve taken the point of view from the tram drivers perspective as the tram and the scenery was what held my attention as soon as I saw the photo so I wanted to explore who got to see this sight regularly.
couple-embrace

 

The tram made its way up the steep hill, the gears graunching and wheels squealing from a lack of oil. It was always hard work going up, like a climb which never ended.

But it was also the best time. Maneuvering the tram down the hill was the worst. Maintaining a slow speed, not allowing it to gain too much momentum so the ride is steady. Not to mention keeping an eye out for people to taken up in their own interests, stepping in front of the tram or children running out without looking. No, going up was definitely the best.

The slow climb meant I had time to observe life, going on all around. The people were what made the job, not just the ones riding my tram. I had made so many friends with the regular riders, those who needed to get to work or home. The mothers who had to get the children out of the house occasionally. And the lonely souls, who just want some company.

All of these people I looked forward to seeing and exchanging the latest news but it was the world outside which holds my attention, day in and day out. Today I watch the lovers embracing, believing they were the only ones to have ever felt “this way.” I’d wonder about them, would it last, were they beginning or near the end.

Or the elderly couples, struggling along up the hill, often one a bit faster than the other, impatiently urging their partner on.

The lost and befuddled tourists were always amusing to watch as they tried to make sense of their maps. When they needed direction, listening to them often fumble the local language making it near incomprehensible so they are forced to resort to wildly swinging their arms about yelling words the listener cannot understand.  The looks of confusion and impatience often giving way to grateful smiles, sometimes hugs were the highlight of these exchanges.

This narrow street has been my life for so long; I know these buildings and the cobbles intimately. I know which section sits little higher than the others so the tram needs a little more effort to leverage and make the climb, I know which corner to watch more carefully, as there is a small school at the end and children are often excited at being let out and don’t always remember the tram might be coming.

 

This is my city and the tram is my viewing platform, up and down many times a day, per week, per year. I’ve been driving for nearly thirty years. Sadly, the time is coming where the tram will be no longer traveling It is outdated and when repairs are needed it takes longer to source parts. Some believe the cables are an eyesore and make the street look shabby; they want to pull up the tracks and cobble the streets properly. Times are changing and the new generation are coming through who don’t see the romance and charm of the trams. They couldn’t possibly understand the joy I get from this, the pace of life is moving faster than this old man and his tram can keep up with.

But for now, I watch and I wonder at the lives going on all around me and wonder just what today will bring.

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Church carpark

Church carpark

Church carpark

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An apology to my son

“I bit my kid’s head off for no real reason” poem written by dan pearce @ singladadlaughing

I bit my kid’s head off
For no real reason today.
Like a shark in the water,
I made him my prey.

I raised my brow and my voice
To make him feel small.
I had no compassion at all
When he started to bawl.

What he did to deserve it
I don’t quite recall
It seems moments before
We were both having a ball.

Sure. Things had been weighing
Like rocks on my mind.
I had thirty-six damn good reasons
Not to have to be kind.

With money a stress
And the rent coming due,
It only made sense that
I made it his problem, too.

The house needed cleaning
We were surrounded by mess.
The laundry stacked higher,
Always more, never less.

The dishes were toppling,
The floor needed sweeping.
Into our house and our lives
So much crap just kept creeping.

But dishes and laundry
Were the least of my worries.
Relationship drama of late had
Left my mind all a flurry.

I’d fought with my mom
About something quite stupid.
I’d argued with a friend
Over something quite lurid.

And if problems with those
That I love weren’t enough.
When I looked in the mirror
I didn’t look at all tough.

Quite the opposite, in fact.
I looked flappy and saggy.
My shirts wouldn’t button,
My pants no longer were baggy.

If trials are blessings, then
I’m so blessed I could flip.
You see now why it’s okay
That I don’t bite my lip.

Instead, I bit my kid’s head off
For no real reason today.
Like a shark in the water,
I made him my prey.

He finally stopped crying,
And with his eyes simply asked,
“Dad, why’d you say something
So damn mean like that?”

“Why did you hurt me?
I’ve done nothing to you.
Why would you wound me
When I’ve only loved you?”

And right there in that moment
I realized my choice.
I could unleash more of my life,
Or I could soften my voice.

So I closed my eyes
Before I could further berate.
And said nothing else
Till I once more could think straight.

“Go play now, I’m sorry.”
Was all I could say.
He looked at me defeated
And with haste ran away.

To where, I don’t know.
But it wasn’t near me.
It was somewhere alone
Where he could be free.

The house was still messy,
The chores still undone.
The laundry still unwashed,
The stress still a ton.

And the one person who loved me
With no strings attached,
Was the one person I punished
For my life out of whack.

Ahhhhh I read this today, and it made me cry. I could so relate to this and it made me feel so bad. For a wee while now I have looked back over the years while my son was young and I realize I didn’t really appreciate how precious he was.

I had too much on my plate what with working full time, studying extramurally and a partner who was just another child to care for not to mention the daily tasks of keeping a household running and somewhere in all of that, some time just for me. I am so sad that I took far too much frustration out on my son, who is the best thing I have ever done or will ever do!

 

I’m sorry I didn’t always put my books down and just go play with the lego on the floor, I’m sorry I didn’t play enough games. I’m sorry I didn’t always go running when he wanted to show me something he thought was important, I was too caught up in what I thought was “important” – it really wasn’t, you know. I’m sorry I didn’t go play enough at the park with him.

While I did take time to do things with him and create memories, I’m worried I didn’t do enough. He is now 14 and coming up to that age that I know if we don’t have a good grounding and strong relationship now, then all bets are off. I would like to think we do, but then reading something like this poem makes me panic for all the times I took my anger and frustration out on him and makes me wish I could take back all the years and start over.

I look at my young man and am just in awe of the person he is; lovely, funny, caring, creative, smart, thoughtful and damn good looking! I just hope that I haven’t done too much damage and he will remember that I loved him more than anything and I am so very, very sorry for all the times I bit his head off, for no good reason at all.

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A new blog

While this was my first blog, and while not overly successful or written much, it opened my eyes to blogging and I enjoyed the novelty. But now, I feel I must commit to my other blog and make it my main one – emergingfromthefoxhole.

 

I may come back to this one but right now, I really want to concentrate on EFTFH and  blog at least once a day. I figure by making a public proclamation I may actually do it. Fingers crossed!

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My 2011 in review

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Got married, went snorkeling, went on a cruise,

 2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year? 

Not really, let myself down a bit. Am developing the new ones now though

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! And some got pregnant too J

4. Did anyone close to you die? An uncle, very sad – taken way too soon.

5. What countries did you visit?

Australia, Noumea and Isle of Pines

 

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? more down time !!

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

22 February earthquake in CHCH, 16 April got married

 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year

Surviving

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not learning lessons from the previous year, must stress less

10. Did you suffer illness or injury

Illness – probably more run down than anything

11. What was the best thing you bought?.

Well, I didn’t buy it as such but definitely my I-Phone! Or the house – a close tie

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? New Zealanders – we really got behind ChCh after the big one in February and subsequent shakes. We really pulled through as a community – made me proud to live here

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? I think the media and their continued, extensive coverage of the world of celebrity and the farce it really is, breaking news is a celebrity divorce. Our media, magazines in particular are too obsessed with who is hot right now and not portraying women as they really are. Airbrushing has to stop!

As an aside – NZ driver behavior depressed me on our xmas break – it appears getting to your destination and home again is a lottery.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Our house! Both purchasing it and renovations and accessories

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My iphone!

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Moves like Jagger! Most annoying, yet catchy  new song I heard this year

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) Happier or sadder?

Sadder

b) Thinner or fatter?

fatter!

c) Richer or poorer?

Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?  Treated myself better, went to the gym more

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Stressing the small stuff

 

20. How will you be spending Christmas? With both sets of family – dinner at our house for the first time

 

21. Did you fall in love in 2011? No

 

22. What was your favourite TV programme? Downton Abbey! Hands down

23. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn’t dislike this time last year?  Not exactly dislike, but more awareness of how they make me feel and bring me down.

24. What was the best book you read?

The Book thief 

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Kimbra – love her voice

26. What did you want and get? A new house – was in the five year plan but scored it early – nice. And my iphone, took ages to decide but seriously, best purchase ever

27. What did you want and not get? A world rid of dumbasses, but more specifically a new Labour government. Gutted

28. What was your favourite film of this year? Midnight in Paris or The Help

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Went to work, had morning tea. Went to strawberry fare for our work do, turned 31.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Treating myself better, taking time out, not having the whole world on my plate.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? COMFY but started bringing the sexy back into my work gear – slowly

32. What kept you sane? Probably Tony – poor guy has his work cut out for him

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? none

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

NATIONAL GOVERNMENT POLICIES.

ALL OF THEM.

35. Who did you miss?

N/C

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Did you have a secret hiding place?

 

There was a tree at my school that was wonderfully big – you could either sit in it or if it was dry you could nestle under it for hours reading and no-one could see you from the outside – spent many hours there trying to avoid going “home”. Even packed my bags once and camped there on a Saturday. Have visited the school since then and seen “my tree.”

Another hiding place was at the public library – I would often toddle down there after school, it was only 5 minutes away – or on a Saturday afternoon. I’d pack a lunch and be there at opening time and stay until it closed. I often wished I could stay the whole weekend and hide amongst the shelves. Many, many years later when libraries started opening on a Sunday I couldn’t help but think it would have been fantastic for me if they had done that when I was younger and needed a place to escape to.

The reasons we need to hide sometimes are so diverse as are the places we choose. My reasons were that my home life reality was not great and I needed to escape. I did so through these two places physically but also mentally – I chose books to act as my escape route. I could hide in their worlds and the characters were my friends.

Interestingly enough, I still do this today – books are still my escape particuarly when I wasn’t to avoid doing something, but also when life is getting just a bit tough and I need to go “somewhere else, anywhere else”

 

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struggling

As much as I want to blog, I’m finding it hard to find time and motivation to write it.

But this morning inspiration struck! I can turn this into a “what bothers me” blog. And at the moment I seem to be filled with rage at so many things, from politics to in-laws! So, it could get messy!

But the worst thing is – I don’t seem to be able to filter my grumpiness. It just blurts out at anyone and everyone. The other day I told the girl in the convenience store I would know not to shop their again because they don’t accept credit cards (and due to our new mortgage, everything is paid for by credit card). I was horrified at myself, I’ve always been the type to just shut up when anything has bothered me. Not anymore.

This morning the train that I would normally catch was cancelled. Not such a big deal except for the fact that it was also cancelled three times last week and three the week before that. Added to that – the normal train I would catch home was cancelled about the same amount. Brilliant. On top of that – the prices have gone up. How does that add up?

Not only are the Government pushing people to catch the train to save our Environment (carbon foot print yadda yadda yah) but they are increasing GST and the cost of fuel has gone up – BUT we do not have a reliable public transport system. I just don’t think it is reasonable. Thankfully I have two other options to get to work! How do people who actually rely on this as their only option to get to work cope? Madness.

Ha – one complaint down. Many, Many, Many more to come

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